Character Chat


If that dim-wit doesn’t quit showing up for my job interviews then I’m never going to get a job! And I could sure use one too, just ask my husband! But me, I don’t have the heart, or the guts to tell him about Molly.

Oh, sure, what am I going to say, “Oh, yeah, dear. About that job I had applied for – well, never mind. Don’t guess they’ll be calling me. It really wasn’t my fault though! I got distracted, and well, before I realized it, Molly was running her mouth, again!”

I can see it now, “Again?” My husband would ask me, real stern like, because you know, he’s the poster child for Stoic! He broke his hand. Came home and told me that two nurses and a doctor said that he was stoic. I wonder why? He’s got to be the most un-emotional person I’ve ever met!

And if he knew that he’s actually married to Molly, well, he’d probably throw us both out! Oh, he’s okay with me, mostly, but if he had a glimpse of Molly it’d be over!

No, I’m not nuts. I can’t say that for sure about Molly though. But Molly isn’t really me. She’s a character that I created. Sometimes I wish that I hadn’t! At the time it seemed like a good idea.

I was working in people’s homes and doing a lot of grunge work. Molly was too much of an airhead to care, so I let her do the dirty work. Then I would write about her. That was all well and good, except for when she had Elmer in his living room getting ready for a bath! I had to take over before I had naked old man in the living room! What a ditz!

There was one other time that she really let me down. I, we, had a client that had needed the paramedics. She was having an irregular heartbeat. Well, the guy hands the electrodes to Molly and she bailed on me! I guess it wouldn’t have been so bad, except for she hadn’t put on any gloves! By the time that I was standing there with the electrodes in my hands I couldn’t unwind everything, so I had to place the electrodes barehanded. What joy!

Anyway, that was a long time ago. She worked with me a couple of times at my next job, but after that it was over! I had to concentrate too much to put up with her little pea brain! Anyway, I finished the book she was in and didn’t see any use for her any more.

That’s where the rub is! I hadn’t been expecting her to show up or I would have cut her off at the pass. In fact, the first time that she showed up I didn’t even see her coming! I was talking to this nice lady at her boutique. You know, the one that I would have really enjoyed working at!

Everything was going along just fine until I heard Molly say, “You know, I’m a bit hard-of-hearing, but don’t correct me by saying, shush. And please don’t tell me to use my inside voice. That’s condescending.” And if that wasn’t enough she went on to say, “And don’t use your hand to motion for me to bring it down an octave or two.” While she drew a very vivid word picture for the lady in the air with her hands!

She what? I couldn’t believe it! What was I to say to that? “Oh, yeah, that’s Molly. Don’t mind her. She’s a bit of an idiot! That was about the time that I would have liked to have just left, but Molly was on a roll. I can’t remember what else she said, but after that great show of wisdom it was over.

It’s not my fault though! I never invited her to any of the interviews, honest! Why would I? She’s about as stupid as a mud fence. No, probably stupider. At least a mud fence has enough sense to just stand there and shut up!

Take yesterday for instance. There I was at the mall. I was dressed all nice and proper. I had my resume in hand and letters of reference. I was standing at the counter to this upscale jewelry store. And out of the blue Molly says, “I could pass a criminal background check, and I’m bondable.” I was just like, What? She didn’t stop there, either. I won’t trouble to say what else she said.

And my reward for her showing up, uninvited, and certainly unannounced – I got a soggy, limp handshake. Nice!

“Hey, that’s not exactly fair!” Molly had heard enough. “Why you always got to be putting me down? And you always stuck me with the dirty work too.”

“What are you doing? You can’t just bust in on my conversation.”

“You’re talking about me.”

“Yeah, I’m talking about you. Talking about you trying to ruin my life!”

“Oh, yeah, and you going to say that when we get famous?”

“Us, famous? Have you looked around? Do you see the jobs that I qualify for? What kind of famous have you got in mind.”

“Well, when everyone knows about Spuds and me, well that should be interesting.”

“Ain’t nobody going to hear about anything if you keep on showing up in my world! Don’t you get it? I’m done with you.”

“You can’t fire me, I quit!” Molly was done. She didn’t like how her author was writing her the dunce all the time. Hadn’t she been the one that had come up with Psycho Babble? Hadn’t that been a great short story.

“If you’re going to speak to me, use words.” I was done my own self.

“I don’t want to use words. All’s you do is use them against me.” Molly was genuinely hurt. She never meant to cause any trouble. She couldn’t help it if she didn’t always think before she spoke. Anyway, she wasn’t the one that had created her in the first place!

“I got no beef with you. I just need to get a job and you need to be still and let me. Maybe then after that you can hang out.”

“I can hang out with you? Really?”

“Sure, really. In fact, you know what we could do?”

Molly listened.

“We could go ahead and poke you in Character’s Folly. You’d fit right in with all of my other characters.”

“Oh,” Molly was interested. “Are they a book?”

“Well, they’re supposed to be. I haven’t finished writing them yet. They’re in revolt. Except for they haven’t been bothering me for quite a while. I guess they got tired of being on my shelf.”

“Is that really where you want to put me? On a shelf?”

“Well, I could think of other places right now that would suit me for you.”

“You’re not being nice again.”

“What are you talking about being nice? Don’t you realize that I’m talking to a figment of my imagination? Right out loud, no less! Maybe I really am nuts.”

“I don’t think you’re nuts. Just a bit mean sometimes.” Molly meant it. She didn’t know why her author couldn’t just be nice.

“She don’t know how to be nice, that’s why.”

“Jessica?”

“Oh, sure. Don’t even recognize your own character. What’s that about?”

“I recognized you.”

“No you never. You wrote, Daniel, then you put me down. I saw you. Can’t much get away from telling the truth when I’m sitting right here in your imagination.”

“Jessica, can’t we take this conversation elsewhere? You’re embarrassing me.”

“Yeah, embarrassing her. Like she says about me. Told you you’re not being nice.”

“Oh, please, Molly. Stay out of this. Jessica doesn’t even know who you are.”

“I perfectly know who Molly is, I’ll have you know. And you do the same to Christina.” Jessica was full of herself this time.

“Christina! Don’t bring her into this! What’s she got to do with anything?”

“You’re always blaming her for your screw-ups.”

“I don’t blame her for anything. She’s the one that makes all of those mistakes. She could stop and think about things too. But she’s not an issue here. And you weren’t invited.”

“Oh, yeah. What am I supposed to do, wait an eternity for you to write me? I’m so done with waiting that I could scream!” Jessica had been silent for too long already. She had sat patiently on that shelf. She was surprised that they hadn’t all been tossed, you know, like before.

“I know what you’re saying.”

“Like I care.” Jessica really didn’t care. She had been discarded long enough.


“What do you want me to do? I do my best.” I meant it.

“Oh, boo-hoo. Cry me a river.”

“I don’t remember you ever being so bitter, Jessica.”

“That’s the problem. You don’t remember. You’ve forgotten all of us. I’ll bet you couldn’t even tell me our names. Oh, except for Daniel, you always remember Daniel.”

“And what was that little one’s name? I guess I have forgotten. I’m sorry. I never meant to. I just get so busy. Seems I never have the time that I’d like to spend with you guys. Too busy trying to find a job. Which brings me back to the conversation I believe that I was quite content having without you, or you either, Molly.”

“See how she treats us? Let me ask you this though, she who is so much better and so much smarter than me – what are you going to do with yourself when you have no one left to blame for all of your mistakes and for your own stupidity?” Molly was stretching herself farther than she had ever known. She had always been at her author’s beck and call. It felt good to have a little bit of control.

“I don’t know. I guess quit.” Molly had a point.

“Quit!” The two characters shouted out in Unisom. “You can’t quit.”

“Yeah, I could. That’s the biggest lesson I learned at that last job. I so should have quit.” I meant it. I should have. I would have been much better off, had I just quit.

“You did good.”

“Daniel?”

“Yeah, it’s me. I been missing you. I’ve been watching you too. I’ve been thinking that if you ever did get back to writing us that we’d all be better off for it, you included.”

“You’re not mad at me? I mean, it really has been a ridiculous long time since I’ve even thought about you guys, let alone wrote anything.”

“I can’t say that I’m mad. I’m not happy about how things have panned out, but I’m not mad. I see how hard you work.”

“Doesn’t feel like anyone can see how hard I work. Look at me now. Sitting here, typing away, talking to myself as far as anyone could really understand.”

“Yeah, well, you get your best thinking done while you’re talking to yourself. Anyway, you didn’t want to work for that lady at the jewelry store. Her hand shake says a lot about her character, or lack there of. She was a snooty one, that one. And Molly didn’t really say anything that was all that bad. The lady was just a snob.”

“You were there?”

“We were all there. Enjoyed the kids’ area while you filled out that application too. And how you let those little kids literally crawl right over you. That was fun. You didn’t mind them at all.”

“I don’t mind children.” It was true.

“You’re good to dogs too. Kids and dogs. Shows a lot of character.” Daniel smiled.

“You think so.”

“Sure. You’ll be all right. You aren’t half bad. We know you don’t mean no harm. I guess that’s why we’re still here, waiting on you.”

“That’s really nice of you, especially since you know that I can’t get back to your story for a while yet. I’ve still got to finish The Back Track Conspiracies.”

“Oh, that book. Yeah, I know. It’s an important piece, that’s true. But I’ll tell you this, if you don’t write it then you’re never going to get it done. And if you don’t finish it, then where does that leave us?”

“No where, you’re right. I need to get back to work.”

“And that job search?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you remember what you pray?”

“Sure, I remember. But I get to feeling like I keep on messing up.”

“Oh, admitting that it isn’t always me, are you?” Molly didn’t like to be left out of the conversation. It was all about her anyway, wasn’t it?

“Molly, you have made things difficult.” I needed her to keep in her place.

“Nothing has happened without a reason.” Daniel wanted to complete his thought. “Like I said, do you remember what you pray?”

“Lord, I just want to be where I belong. Yes, that’s my prayer. I also add, and please don’t let me be where I don’t belong. My last job was a mess, that’s for sure.”

“Well, I can tell you this. There has got to be a reason why you have had to try so hard to get another job.”

“Yeah, because Molly keeps on showing up!”

“Hey!” Molly sulked.

“I think that there’s more to it than that. I honestly believe that the right job is out there for you. You just haven’t found it yet. Except, I think that maybe you did.” Daniel seemed to know something that I didn’t.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I think so. Sue was a nice lady. She likes you too.” I loved Daniel’s smile. I had forgotten how very handsome he really was. Way back when I had first created him I had pictured him to look like a very young movie star. Isn’t that funny. I can’t even remember his name. Richard Geer maybe? It’s been so long. A Circle of Friends. Yeah, that I remember. Long before the famous book was written that ended up owning my title. It doesn’t matter. Had thrown that book away anyway.

“You’re distracted.” Daniel was more than patient. Maybe that’s what I loved so much about him. His character was so kind.

“I heard you. Sue was nice. We have a lot in common. She’s a writer, you know. She used to be a journalist.”

“We were there, remember. Anyway, she’s the kind of person that you want to associate with. Not like that little gal at that boutique that you were so bummed about. Molly did you a favor.”

Molly beamed. She liked Daniel.

“How’s that? I really thought that I’d like that job.”

“That woman would have driven you nuts. Did you see how she was dressed? She had shorts on and sandals. I guess she didn’t get the memo that it’s October.”

“We’re not in Kansas anymore.” I had to defend her. It must have been seventy-five degrees that day. I’m aware that I live in Arizona.

“No, you’re right. We’re not in Kansas anymore. The season wasn’t the complete point anyway. It was her lack of professionalism that would have bothered you. You are much too proper to have been able to see her running her shop in such inappropriate clothes.”

“Yeah, it really did bother me when she started taking care of that customer while we were interviewing. I remember thinking at the time that she should have let one of her workers deal with the lady.”

“Every day it would have bugged you just a little bit more.” Daniel had a point.

“Hey, are we done here? It doesn’t seem like you need me anymore.” Jessica was bored.

“I appreciate that you showed up. I feel a whole lot better about myself.” Molly had made a friend.

“No problem. You ought to come on over to Character’s Folly like she said. You might like it there.”

“Wow, really?” Molly’s eyes lit up.

“I think that’s a great idea! Why don’t you go ahead and take her with you?” I couldn’t help myself. I’d been carrying on a conversation for too long already with make believe people. Surely this was as good a way as any to wrap it all up.

“Hey, I’ll get out of your day also. But I do want you to keep in mind what I said about Sue at the mall. She really did like you.” Again that smile.

“She did, didn’t she? And she was so nice. And you know what?”

“Yeah, what’s that?”

“She specializes in marketing. I could learn a lot from her.”

“Yeah, like being nice maybe.”

I had to smile.

After all of my ranting, I’ll go ahead and let Molly have the last say. Maybe having her show up in my world isn’t so bad after all.

“We done here?”

“Shut up, Molly.”