COMPLETE SATISFACTIONSECTION 1MY REFLECTIONSMy mind travels back to a place in time when my only desire in life was to be loved by someone. I never felt “love” neither as a child nor as a teenager. When I was just 1 years old, my father stripped the 3 of us from the arms of our mother and placed us in the care of our grandparents. Our father, decidedly, wasn’t available mentally, physically nor spiritually to nurture his children. He wasn’t sober long enough to introduce us to parental love. His daily course of life evolved around working, chasing women, and drinking. I remember searching for people to love me and not being able to find anyone that was sincere. I remember searching year after year, month after month, week after week, day after day, and the only thing I accomplished was the fact that I was getting older. The older I got I could tell quickly that that person didn’t truly love me nor had they took the time to get to know me. Reflecting back, I searched so long and looked so passionately for something that I didn’t realize I didn’t even possess, I didn’t even love myself. I had been searching for something that I had in the confines of my own heart. But I was doing the best I could to find completeness. To find what I needed and I didn’t find it until I met him. SECTION 2MY PASTI searched for someone to fill the void that dwell deep inside the core of my heart and rested in the pit of my soul. My daily constant ritual, my consuming addiction, and my overpowering need consumed my life. I never got tired of searching for someone because I was so consumed with needing the emptiness in my inner being filled. The majority of my life I spent searching for the love I thought I needed. I realized that in my quest to find love that I had surrounded myself with people that didn’t know how to love because they had the same void as I did. I was comfortable around these people because they loved only one thing, the moment. Whatever moment we were in, that’s where we found contentment. If we were watching TV, we would look at something that would make us laugh, something happy, so that we would be happy for that moment. If we were shopping, we would window shop at the expensive stores and then spend our money in the bargain stores, laughing about how money we saved, and this made us happy for the moment. Our lives consisted of fleeting moments of happiness, but nothing was real neither was it lasting. I found contentment not thinking about tomorrow, because life’s tomorrows made me sad. I didn’t have anything to look forward to therefore my tomorrows were always filled with today’s moments. SECTION 3MY FRIENDSMy today’s moments were filled with people that were users, abusers, low lives; people that mistreated other people because they felt like somebody owed them something. These were the people that I called friends. I perceived in my own self-inflicted wisdom that other people were fake, self-centered, egoistic individuals with the capability of only loving themselves therefore I didn’t like people that weren’t sick. I surrounded myself with my sick friends because this allowed me the ability to feel well. I was accepted around them and was well liked. It was those fake people that I had a problem with, those people that had relationships, those people that seem to be happy, and those people that had stable employment. Those were the people that made me feel inadequate; they made me feel like an imposer and I couldn’t relate to them anyway so I stayed away from the fake people. Now, my abusing, using, low life friend made it easier for me. They accepted me for who I was and what I was and how I lived my life. My friends didn’t place any judgmental imprisoned sentences on me. They made is easy for me to find action. The action that I needed replaced the love that I had searched for, but the action always included a man, an excuse of a man; then another excuse of a man, and then another, and so on. I knew that the only thing; an excuse of a man cared about was what they wanted could get from me and what excuses they had to make up for their stupidity. But the sad fact of the matter is that I really didn’t care, I really didn’t care about them and I was in it to get what I wanted and that was to fill the void. SECTION 4MY MENMy void was filled with me doing some of the craziest things imaginable. One of the craziest things I would do to guys that would develop an attachment to me is; I would “use them,” abuse him verbally, slap them on their firm cheeks, mess up their relationships with their mothers and children, if they had any. I would also go in their pockets and steal their money and use the power emotion of tears and lies to work my way around their anger. I knew that only men with low self-esteem would allow me to treat them like this, but those were the men that I wanted. I purposefully wouldn’t answer my ringing phone when I knew one of them would be calling, unless I needed something. I laughingly would speak to them with disrespectfully, condescendingly and abrasively. I told so many lies that lying became my daily regurgitating state of conversation. These were the men that loved me and I needed to fill my void by any means possible. I was so lonely and ignorant that I didn’t realize that these were the men that saw something in me that I didn’t even see in myself. They knew that I was worthy to be treated with respect. They knew I was worthy to be treated like a lady. They knew that I was worthy, but it was hard to treat a voided woman like a real lady when she held no mental identity of who she was or what she was. The only thing that I possessed and held close to my heart was my void and no one could take that from me. I was comfortable with my void and I knew exactly how to live with it. My obsessions, my addictions, and my void deep in the core of my heart, allowed me to feel very comfortable in relationships that I knew weren’t going to work.SECTION 5MY RELATIONSHIPSI became a self taught, self educated expert in dating the wrong man and entering into relationships that wasn’t healthy. Blaming it on the man was a reality that I had drawn in the sand and I was happily walking on the beach in it. I was comfortable blaming my breakups on the man, that “no good man.” That was the avenue that I took to release myself from accountability. I wasn’t looking for any accountability, I didn’t want to be accountable for a persons feeling, emotions, or life, nor was I prepared to be accountable; I was looking to fill the void in my heart and soul. But once I reached a level of conformability with a man, and he conformed to my ways, I would get bored and knew that the time was right for me to move on. I noticed that I would feel content for a while and then something inside me would inflict emptiness again. The men would get comfortable with the way thing were and that’s when I would change. I was always expecting something to change. I needed things to constantly change in order to feel my life with excitement, a feeling of being wanted. I often wondered why men would start off exciting and then get comfortable and then they would leave me feeling empty again because of their inadequacies. They must have had as many issues as I did growing up. That is the only explanation as to why would they allow me to order them around like they were children, why would they allow me to act a fool, curse them out, and they keep forgiving me. They knew and I knew that I would be lying to them about changing, why would they accept garbage from me? These were men that were ridiculed when they were younger, men that were abused, beaten by parents, men that weren’t successful by the populous standards, weak men that needed a woman like me help identify their self worth. Wow, I use to think to myself, what a waste of a perfectly good man.SECTION 6MY MARRIAGESIt’s my wedding day, and I’m so excited, wedding number 5 and everybody knows that the number 5 means grace. I’m starting a new adventure with a new person and he’ll be learning so many new things about me and himself. I’m determined to make this marriage work; after all he’s really into me. I have great expectations that this is the right husband and that he will continue to meet my emotional, spiritual, psychological and physical needs. After all I’m a lady now and this husband showers me with the things that I favor most. The wedding was so beautiful. The homeless shelter had allowed me to decorate the dining room the night before. There were beautiful white and red carnations draping the windows and chairs. I had also put red plastic table cloths on the table and a single red rose resting in the middle of the tables surrounded by babies breath flowers. I was so thankful that the shelter had allowed us to have the wedding there because most of my friends had either fell on hard luck and lived on the streets close to the shelter or had a bed at the shelter. I was committed to having my friends there, so my soon to be handsome husband paid for new clothes and hair dos for them. I had to have my friends there because this could possibly be the most important day of my life; well I hope this one will be. The wedding was beautiful and I have to admit Reverend Jones from Jones and Sons Funeral Home look rather dapper. The wedding was just what I needed at that time in my life but the marriage was another story. I should have known that I had found another weak man. I went into the marriage with a determination to make it work and not to hurt anyone this time. After all, I did have some convictions and I wasn’t a monster, I was just a woman that didn’t know where to find what I was looking for. I have married another wrong man. This man was truly a piece of work. He had the nerve to attempt to tell me that I needed to change the way that I dress because I was now Mrs. Groomed. Are you serious! I knew after 2days of being Mrs. Groomed that I needed to return back into being Ms…. Um, well, Ms somebody. Now this fool has caused me to change my last name and now I need to think about whose name I would go back to using again. What a prime time jerk, to cause such confusion in my life. If I had of known that I had to change my name again, I would have left it the way it was, Ms. Hash. WOW, what was I thinking, I truly knew how to marry the wrong man.Now, let’s see, do I want my first husband’s name back, after all he had a body out of this world and I showed him how to strut his stuff. He was a heck of a guy, he really knew how to party, and he would make me laugh continuously. I loved the way he would make me laugh for hours. I stayed with him for 6 years and it was 6 years of fun until he ran out of money. He was tired of the bar scene and wanted to settle down. He had the nerve to think that I would actually have kids by him. I really needed to go after he tried to get me to stop going to parties and to become a “HOUSEWIFE.” Well, I won’t be using his name; I might get pregnant just by someone calling that name, Ms. Pumpernickel. Well my second and fourth husbands were a lot alike and two plus two is four and four rhythms with more so it seems like husband 4 name is it. After all I remember, oh how I remember. They both like traveling, even thought neither had a lot of money to travel. The second husband with his large muscles and his tiny …………. brain, loved to talk and talk for weeks about trips we would go on. He would talk me to death but I only saw one trip manifest. The fourth stallion of a husband, who knew how to kiss, but stuttered would say, “We’re traveling.” Thank God he was a man of a few words because his stuttering got on my nerves. But when he said, “We’re traveling,” the next thing I knew, we were on the road. Until I had gone on so many road trips that every city began to look the same. Plus I was so sick and tired of getting lost. Both of them, husband two and husband four had to go. Hopefully neither is traveling down the yellow brick road, lost. Well, I guess I don’t want to be remembered as Ms. Jones nor Ms. Williams.Oh, wait a hot minute, Henry, my Harry Belafonte, my, my, my. My had a little money third husband was sexy and had a little money. He was handsome, built in all the right places and had a little money. He knew how to treat a lady and he knew how to give it to me. I was the lady of the hour and I enjoyed every lasting moment of it. He would give me money to shop and shop. I would love to go grocery shopping because I could spend money and buy whatever groceries I wanted and take it to my friends. He would also take me out to eat at different restaurants and then take me to my favorite ice cream spot, Dairy Dream Cone. Now when it came to clothes and shoes, oh my God, I thought that the angelic angels would be calling me to purchase certain items. I shopped in all the best discounted stores in Texas. I would go into the store singing time to make momma donuts and come out the stores singing, time to eat momma donuts. Henry Lockerby was a wonderful man but he lacked any intelligence, just stupid. How long can a person live with a stupid man? Well, I’m not going to be Ms. Lockerby the dull-witted woman. I guess I’ll just go back to using my maiden name, Ms. Ocean, because I’m flowing free again.Now that I’ve been married five times, I’m going to have to really think about it before I marry another man. Maybe I should just live with them, get what I want, have my void filled and everyone will be happy and I won’t have to see another judge. Plus why do I need to get married any more when everyone is living together. I know the difference between right and wrong and I didn’t see anything wrong with me flowing with the flow of society. I would have my needs meet without the commitment and without complications. That way, when he starts acting like a fool I won’t have to go through the exhaustive changes of getting a divorce, I can just slip away one evening without him ever knowing I’m gone, until he comes home.SECTION 7MY ENCOUNTERThen something unexpectedly decided to happen doing the span of time I’ve been contemplating what to do in this new relationship I’m in. I met another man! But not just any man, I encountered a man beyond my wildest imagination, beyond my perception of a man, he’s a god. I had walked to the store without mentally focusing on any one particular thing, to purchase some cool water drink boxes and when I was coming out of the store this gorgeous man approached me. He looked into my mesmerized eyes with his glowing eyes and spoke meticulous words that arrested my attention. His eye was piercing, he was gentle, his stance was captivating, and I could feel my heart pounding from deep within me. I could tell by his behavior that He possessed qualities that I hadn’t known in a man before. His mannerism was calm, his movement was slow and powerful, and his spirit was precious. Something deep inside me knew that he was too powerful and precious for me not to stop and listen to what he had to say. I was mesmerized by him. Normally the first thing I notice about a man is his looks, his butt and if his pants is tight. But this time was different. I didn’t look at him that way, because his heart immediately spoke volumes of compassion to my heart. He asks me for one of my drink boxes and the only thing that released from my lips were, “You’re talking to me?” I can tell that you’re a spiritual man and you’re asking me for a drink. In the back of my mind, I’m thinking that I have died and gone to heaven, but I’m also thinking that this man would never want a woman like me. Yes, can I share a drink box with you? I answer, ok, who’s playing a game, where’s the hidden cameras, I know that I’m not the type of woman that you’re use to being around. But the humble man didn’t answer me as I thought he would, he said, I can give you a drink that will cause you to never thirst again. Being mesmerized by the quality of speech, I said, what? Are you still really speaking with me attempting to start a conversation? The amazing man begins walking and I start following his footsteps. He kind and gentle and says, “I wish to give you a drink, if you’re thirsty?” I shouted, “I’m thirsty, let go, I can use a drink right now.” My heart and mind was in total agreement with this man because his eyes, his words and his spirit was so comforting, so real, so commanding that all I wanted to do was to go have a drink with him.My desire and my thirst said, “Sir, let’s go and have this drink that I might not thirst any more and one that you’re paying for. Then in my moment of anticipation; in a quick moment of silence, he decides to change the conversation from water to my male companions. Walking slowly he wanted to converse about who I was with and wanted me to call my husband. By now, I’m really confused, why does this powerful man want me to talk about other men when I thought him and I was going for a drink. Why would he want me to put myself on open display and tell him about my husband or the lack of having one? But somehow this wonderful man knew that I didn’t have a husband and I had to tell him the truth. I have no husband! He immediately responded, “I know that you don’t have a husband and I know that you’ve been married five times and that the lonely man you’re with now is not your husband. WOW! JUDY! She had to be the one spreading my business all over town. I’m going to kill her! Well, sir you’re correct, I guess you know Judy? He replies, “No, I don’t know Judy.” Then it had to be Angela, Maria, Sylvia or Brenda. He replies, “No one told me your business, I know because I know.” Now I’m finding this man beautiful but strange and here we go again, I get all the nuts. Wonderingly, I am curious as to how you know my business. Are you a reader, a prophet, or just a nut? Then I looked into his eyes and I knew that there was something powerful and spiritual about this man.SECTION 8DIVINE ENCOUNTERSomething inside me knew that I was experiencing a divine encounter, something I had never encountered before. My heart felt free to communicate with him, my mind was ready to receive what he had to say to me, and my body was not going to move from this spot until I received what I had. I felt like this was what I’ve waited my whole life for and what my life needed now. He began his spiritual and motivational teaching. He told me that I was more precious than gold, and that I needed to forgive my father and forgive myself and that I needed to believe in something greater than myself, God. He continued to feed me words of wisdom until I wanted no more. I could feel the tears streaming down my face as they fell on my dress. I could feel my heart beat racing as the flow of this man’s care flowed through my veins. I could feel that emptiness filling with forgiveness, filling with love for myself, filling with grief as I allowed my old life to die. His words created satisfaction, happiness and peace. It must have been God there all the time, watching over me in my stupidity. It was because of this divine encounter that my heart began to leap with joy, my mind began to be transformed and my life had changed immediately. Then this gracious man speaks into my life just what the doctored order, “peace.” It was right at that moment that my life changed. My heart believed him, and my mind received him and from that moment on, I was given something that I had never received before, a full glass. I had received the gift of love. This man didn’t want anything from me, except for me to know my worth and to believe again. I began to dance in the streets. To promenade around in a childish laughter and I knew that I could now be what God had created me to be from the beginning. My life was given back to me because God sent an amazing man to speak love, peace, direction, and wisdom into my life. I am full and after forgiving myself and my father, I have COMPLETE SATISFACTION. What a wonderful change that has come over me.