My name is Demi and this is my story. As I look back to when my life changed, it was the day I saw Tammy naked as blood was pouring from her wrists, from the side of bed to the floor. She was another victim of the "Shiny Happy People". It's funny because her brother Jack could have also stopped those people from hurting Tammy. As I walked out of the room and down the hall I saw him breaking down crying. As I left the room I remember the look on his mother’s, face which was that of pure horror to see her daughter lying there. The next day at school we had an assembly; the principal was ripping us verbally, surrounding the news of her death. I knew nothing was going to change because all I could see around me were stone cold murders, from the ones involved to those who stood watch and did nothing to help except me. I saw one other who actually looked sad; this mysterious person must have been an angel because I suddenly felt compelled that I could talk to someone about my feelings about Tammy. I couldn't talk to Jack because all he did was close up about how he felt but then I stopped trying to talk to him because he tried to kiss me. I felt disgusted about that and so I punched him in the face, breaking his nose. To honor of Tammy's death and because of what Jack did, I got away from the "Shiny Happy People" and a week later quickly noticed the difference of my status. I think half of the reason of my decline was Jack who I denied. The rumors switched to me fucking several people at once or all of them including Jack which never happened. Every night I went home I would curse Tammy's name and it horrified me when I thought if she was alive I wouldn't be getting this treatment. I needed my own release which was a very sharp razor. Next morning the person I saw in the assembly told me how she loved my outfit and told me not to listen to the twisted versions of the happy people.. It wasn't enough because I came from being praised by several to now one. I cut myself around the leg that first day but I made sure it wasn't a major artery so I didn't have to put on a tourniquet. My sister Victoria was beginning to see I was hiding things and was trying my best to keep it from her. She thought I was just grieving and that's why I kept to myself but as I look back to that part of my life, she knew. She just wanted to catch me so I couldn't deny It, but it was a plan that had a flaw. The more and more I was hanging with A.J, the grief didn't compel me to make my crimson flow and it was the person I come to know as A.J who was my influence. I told A.J to come over one night and we talked; it was so real, more than I felt from anyone. I felt a wall coming down I used to make, that kept me from everyone's bullshit. It made me open to who A.J. was. I asked the question about his life and was beginning to be blessed that "he" was telling me the history, he knew he was a female and had always been disgusted with the fact "her" breasts never grew and had an abnormal clitoris. I started to undress her, not him, because I wanted to show I believed who A.J was. Alice Jessica believed that Anthony John doesn't exist; She guided my hand and spoke of how she wished her body was. After a week it was getting too real for me. I believed for some unknown reason I was going to blow it, or A.J would let the Shiny Happy People beat her down to where she would leave me. So I made it a point to leave first, which landed me in the hospital and a psych evaluation. It was the happiness of A.J that kept Victoria away from asking one thousand questions and so she was in shock when she found me almost dead, sliced apart from my own hands. Anyway, I was lying in a bed with straps binding me down and it occured to me high school will be over, but for A.J. until certain opportunities fall in her lap, she'll be stuck in that prison called her body. As I was in the hospital, my sister would be a frequent visitor and she would sometimes sit looking at me. It was like she wanted to let into me but didn't want to push me over the edge. She just stared at me and then one day she said, “How could you want to leave me like that? You are selfish and just because the SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE and the fucking school hurt you, doesn't mean you do this! I love you sis..... I'm never going to forget this.” “How do you think I feel?” I asked her, and she exploded on me. “Then you could have fucking talked to me you selfish bitch!” I paused at that last comment because she's never used that many swears in a sentence; that made me break down and I started to cry. Victoria was upset that she had done that and immediately said she was sorry over and over, trying to comfort me. I told her about Jack and she never looked so mad. I think that was murder in her eyes at that time but after that slowly disappeared from her pupils.Iit was then that A.J who visited me as Alice Jessica wearing a baby doll dress, stockings and knee high boots. She said to me in her sweet voice, "Don't do that again, Demi." My name is Victoria and I’m about to defend my sister. I should have seen it in time so Demi would never have had to go to hospital, so now I'm going to be big sister. You know the good thing about not going to the same school is that I don't have to worry about the social ladder. I got to the school of the creative arts and so I'm not apart of my sister's former circle of friends which worked for me right now. I saw Jack there and all of his friends, then slammed my fist in his stomach and got ready to fight anyone else. “You want to start rumors now about you fucking my sister? You know when high school is over you will never go anywhere. Matter of fact you might be the loser that you are now...” Victoria said and Jack responded back as he got up after he was done coughing, “My mother is going...” “Shut up! You are a fucking bully! People like you can be taken down at any time as I just showed you!” This was in a park and so I could go off like this where no one could hear me. There were like three ho's around him and they were giving me looks while they were smoking something that looked like pot. “All I did was give her something to think about other than grieving about my sister,” Jack replied back with a smile, and I giggled, and I was about to punch him then his girls got up. I felt my wrist being held back and it was my girlfriend Elizabeth; as she looked at the girls they jumped the fuck back. It was something about her look as Jack almost jumped over the bench where he was sitting to get away from Lizzie. “You're a fucking demon!” Jack yelled and as I heard Elizabeth's deep sadistic laugh which wasn't evil; it was protective because of the intentions that she had behind it. As I was about to walk in front of her to look in her eye there was Lizzie's hand making sure I didn't walk in front of her, and it felt a little warm at the time; I didn't know what that was all about. As they all got back to the car they drove off and as Elizabeth turned to me.....She put her arms around me and held me so close. “Is your sister okay?” Elizabeth asked me and I broke down crying because this whole thing was like an emotion roller coaster. My male name is A.J but I don’t think of the male identity my mother gave me when I was born. Let me tell you something: The biggest lie is the phase “Be yourself” and I want so much to believe that it's not a lie like the Easter Bunny. It never fails, every night, I walk down twenty-one stairs to watch my mother who's in horror about what's going on in schools.. Somebody else was involved in a hate crime and then on another channel another person my age killed herself... The usual, which involves everyone turning a blind eye not wanting to stop it. According to the news the girl broke up with some guy and she was being bothered with e-mails as well as in school. These are the leaders in America who are in training to be the ones who tell the police that they look like the perfect couple when the husband or the wife is sporting a black eye. My mother turns to me who knows my fondest wish is to be a woman. "You see, my dear, I don't care if you want to be a woman but I want you to know how the world will see you. I know how much you don't want to live a lie. But look, my daughter, this is what you have to look forward too..." My mother said and it has taken her five years plus divorcing my abusive father to be the person I turned to about this. I look in the mirror and I see my long hair with my female likeness where my shirt is hardly covering my breasts.... The following day my angel comes to make me look how I feel...As Demi knocks on my door, I let her in as the rain drops that have hit her face makes her look more unforgettable. The scent of her hair is so sweet and I lose all words when she gives me a kiss. I can't get over the way her lip-gloss tastes right now; I wish she could taste mine. Demi walks in and she still stares at me like she just saw me for the first time or we're sharing our first date and I can't begin to tell you how safe that makes me. She tells me to sit down as she starts with putting on my foundation and hair-clips me. This is our thing- she makes me look like the woman I want to be and there will come a day where I will transform into that woman. Right now I am just loving this because she takes so much time in making me into a lady. I close my eyes because of how much I trust her as I look on her arm and see so many cuts. She knows I am looking at them and I stop her for a second to kiss every single one of them because I know where they all came from. After the foundation, make-up and lipstick we do the nail polish as I tell her I want black. She pulls out the hair extensions and this is the part where we usually don't finish because as the transformation continues it makes me want her more. She begins to transform me into Alice Jessica with black hair. It's an animal in her that wants to sit on my face which I have no problem with right now. She holds herself back and I keep looking at her nails and her eyes as she keeps wanting to pounce. She chomps on her teeth over and over again as if she's snapping at me wanting to do something. I feel so wanted and yet very scared right now and as I looked down I see that I am responding to what she's doing very well. Demi looks down and said, "Be a lady." "Hey I didn't want that when I was born." I tell her in my best female voice and so we are done. She takes me to the mirror and I take a look at what I am as I look at her. Demi is beautiful as she's still wet from being outside dressed in jeans and a jersey. I want to be the lady in this relationship and while I never want her to shave her head or make it short I want her to be the dominated one. I tell her that I got these wonderful tall converse sneakers that go up to my knee. She has a big smile on her face because I think she knows where this is going. She tells me how she's been waiting for this moment and how she has fake tits that she could glue on my chest also something to hide my medium size clit. I want to go out today because it's 9/11 and there's a special meaning behind it. My uncle was in the world trade center and he was the lead witness in a case of this man who was beaten to death because he was making out with his boyfriend. My uncle told me how he's going to love testifying against the asshole who killed that guy. The trial happened but he was never found after the twin towers went down so the guy walked free.. To honor my uncle who I believe would have been in my corner, I told Demi I should go out with her dressed as the woman I want to be. I would like for her to take me on a date as the alpha in the relationship. She tells me I must wear a dress with black stockings to show off my rather tall sneakers that has a heel then tells me we can't have sex until after the date. I love this dress because it's very comfortable as we walk into the bar and everyone was cheering because our New York team is beating the hell out of Boston in a inter league game. Just because I like lace panties doesn't mean I don't know baseball. So we sit down and the date is about to start... I'm sweating and Demi is holding my hand as I take it to pull it in to my chest. "You are going to be fine honey," Demi said to me and I just nodded my head, because I dare not to speak as people are walking by me because I don't want them to hear my voice then make a judgment. Demi just tells me to keep looking at her during the night as we enjoy the game. We drink long island ice teas, which are sent by two guys sitting from across the room. Demi leans over and gives me a kiss as the two guys looks on they are actually more excited about what might happened for them I am more excited to know where the rest of the night will go because here I am in a woman's outfit with my girlfriend while two guys are motioning at us... "What are we going to do?" I asked Demi and she was clueless on a plan. She decided to order food as the guys had gone, and for that moment I thought that we would be safe. We just watched the ball game and had a great time. "You feel it?" Demi asked me and added, "The rush of everyone watching you. Those of them who wish they could be you or me. It's awesome." I look around and she's right because this is one of kind being the center of attention. I could feel how they look and want me. I feel my hair blazing from the window and my lipstick so perfectly placed. Demi holds my hand and suddenly those guys came back; as they look at the both of us I find myself nervous again and she reminds me our food is here. You know, there are so many ways you could eat french fries that I never knew, especially when you have two guys just looking at you through the night. My steak was fine and so was her chicken; as we kiss we taste the oil of our food off each others lips. I like this because I am going out of my way for people to stare and I could picture tomorrow a mother is going to go to church talking about how two girls made out while there kids asked questions. A small part of me laughs and screams out, fuck you dad. We drove back to my home from the date; it was always mutual who would start the romance part but on this day Demi wanted me to sit there in my own living room waiting for her and told me to wear this small teddy. "Good thing you have no chest hair." Demi said to me. So she got the room ready and lead me upstairs now we have had sex a lot of time but not like this. I slowly take off her clothes and I want her to understand how special this is for me. I start with her neck then her body and her nipples which I find drives her crazy. I want her to be driven crazy because of how I felt about her all night. She is top naked and now she takes down my panties keeping my converse boots on. She starts orally stimulating me with her mouth on my abnormal clit which is turning me on a lot. It's not because I want to think of it as a clit, it's how she licks me because she doesn't hold it. "If you want to be a woman then you got to feel like a lady..." Demi said to me and gave me that look as she pulled out a harness with a plastic penis connected in it. Is this how a virgin feels? Is this what happens before she becomes a woman? When Demi and I had sex I became a man. It's not about the awkwardness of me penetrating her and well she doesn't want to get pregnant at 18. It's about her being inside me which makes me more like a woman as she took my virginity for the second time. It was beautiful when I woke up and being a man was just a dream; it was five years later and I was beautiful. Demi and I decided to start a family soon and walked to see my pregnant belly. It was something so beautiful about feeling her kick inside me. I looked over to see the sonogram because we found out she was going to be a girl. I felt Demi put her arms around my stomach. "I love you Alice Jessica." She whispered to me. I felt myself waddling into the room and sitting down so carefully. I didn't care about not seeing ankles or anything like that. It was about I had a life in my stomach and it was growing. I told myself how I was going to show this little girl or guy that she could be anything that they want to be; I wrapped my arms around my waist so tight and I had such a smile on my face. Demi saw how happy I was and told me, “I’ve never seen a pregnant lady so happy like you are right now.” Demi kissed her head ever so lightly and then her lips. She traced her fingers alongside of her face and did it again. She kissed my body from down my neck to around my nipples as I begin to have memories of my life as Alice. It was straight I had talks about how sensitive my nipples were going to be. She talks about how she wanted to take pictures of my breasts from when I get pregnant to right now. I slightly opened my eyes.. I see the “breast book” that we call it. I smile at it because all the memories come to me from when we first brought the book to putting the pictures in it. I know in those pictures of how I pose with my pregnant belly and how naked I was. I remember every single conversation I had with Demi from when we graduated high school to right now. As she licks around the nipples and sucks it then I get naked as she turns me on like a woman. I didn't have a fat clitoris, I had the kind that's made when you get pregnant and not something that's created by man. She's inside of me and I whispered to her, “Just be gentle.” As I woke up I am utterly disappointed because I am a man and I'm not pregnant. I never will be pregnant, I can't be a woman and this dream can be reality but I could never give life. I would be judged every single day for the transition I have to make, and all the whispers that will come where I could only make out one or two words. If I was a woman, if I was born one, then I wouldn't have to worry about this but I was born one. I turn to Demi who's sleeping in the bed next to me and said, “Have a good dream, Alice.” I smiled because it was more than a dream, it was my life.. my real one. It could be true in this “world” but it will be met by a Hellish journey. However, this woman has survived almost killing herself and went out with me knowing what that Hate Crimes are realities. Yeah, I could do this. The dream was over as we woke up the following morning, it was Monday and so we went back to the lie of you could be anything you want.