Her name was Jessica. She still found herself asking who she was at times. Her name and her experience never seemed to fill the hole she felt inside. Right now that’s all she was, a hole. The John on top of her was an overweight cubicle worker. His glasses kept partially falling off of his beet red face. She could feel the tension building inside her. He was almost done with her. His body went stiff, and he grabbed her sides tightly. She hated that it felt good, because it didn't.

It was almost as if she could feel the accumulated stress of his work week flow into her body. He relaxed, and the tension was gone. He got up without saying anything, and got dressed without looking at her. He took out some bills from his wallet, and left it on the motel nightstand, then left her alone in the dark. She had 15 minutes to shower and get dressed before she would have to pay for another hour.

* * *

She left the room, and walked down a flight of stairs to return the room key. The motel clerk took it without looking away from the small tv on the counter. As she was walking out the door she felt her phone start to vibrate in her purse. She answered it without looking at the caller id, she was expecting a call from Ricky her dealer. The voice she heard ended up being her fathers.

“Hey Jessy, how’s my sweet heart doing?”

“I’m doing fine dad, can you call me later? I’m expecting another call.”

“I’d be fine with that Hun, but you said that last time I called too, and I haven’t been able to get a hold of you for the last two weeks. I’m worried about you Jess. Is everything alright?”

“Everything’s fine.” she tried not to cry. She continued with a steady voice.

“You said moving away to go to college would help me grow up. I've just been… Busy.”

“I’m sorry dad, I really gotta go, I’ll call you later I promise. “

“Jessica wai…”

She hung up the phone, and put it back in her purse.

She couldn't stand hearing her Dad’s voice anymore, his concern, his love. She was scared that his love for her would take the same course as her self control and disappear. She was sure that there was nothing good left, she couldn't find any remnant of daddy’s little girl left inside her. As much as hearing her dad’s voice put her off these days, she still didn't want him to find out what her life had become. She didn't want that love to go away.

Where the hell was Ricky.

* * *

Ricky was downtown with a gun being held tightly to his head. He had just re-upped on his supply of heroin, and had failed to sense the pairs of eyes that had watched him do it. Right now all he could think about was getting out of this alive. Something that was completely outside of his control.

“Take the dudes watch too.” The guy holding the gun said to his accomplice.

“fuck yeah, look at all that ice!” The man removing the watch said in a high pitched voice.

There faces were covered, it gave Ricky hope that he’d make it out of this. He kept his eyes closed to try and raise the odds a bit. Ricky’s phone started vibrating in his back pocket. He reflexively twitched to reach for it.

He never heard the gunshot.

He did somehow hear the sizzling and popping of his brains neural connections firing for the last time. Or maybe it was just the ringing of his ears, and there wasn't enough of his brain left to identify the sound. Either way, Ricky was gone.

* * *

“Fucking Ricky!” Jessica snapped her cell phone shut angrily.

”I hope he burns in hell!”

The call from her Dad had set her off. She needed to feel better, and after more than 2 hours of waiting for Ricky to get back to her, she didn't have it in her to wait any more. She started walking towards downtown.

* * *

Shawn didn't set expectations for life anymore. He used to. He used to have so many that there wasn't a day he woke up to, or went through, that was not a continual practice of constant let down. Recently that had all changed. Recently, he had lost everything, and with it, he had lost all of his expectations as well. He had a new practice now.

He called it the; “let’s watch what happens” practice. And without all the expectations he used to have, he found there was rarely a moment where he wasn't surprised.

Like right now.

* * *

Jessica was walking towards the 2 block strip that was known as “the junk yard”. It was right in the middle of everyone else’s normal city life. You just had to make the wrong left turn at the light, and you’d be immersed in a world where needles littered the ground instead of cigarette butts. Presently, she was just an 8 minute walk away from that left turn, and feeling better.

His eyes stopped her in her tracks. She didn't think she had ever been looked at like this before. He didn't look away when she stopped to notice him, and the look he gave her didn't change.

His gaze gently rested on her with the weight and intensity of a metric ton of feathers.

She realized that he was looking at her with no reservations about what he was seeing. It made her feel unbearably uncomfortable, and at the same time indescribably relieved.

Before she knew what she was doing she started walking towards him. The closer she got the more she felt like she was walking towards a lion that wanted to give her a hug.

* * *

Shawn couldn't help but notice how beautiful she was. He also couldn't help but notice the pain and need she wore in the tension of her body. Her auburn hair, and wide brown eyes, and of course, her sex appeal.

He noticed that too.

She stopped when she noticed him. Their eyes met. It didn't feel uncomfortable to him at all. There wasn't anything she could see in him that he wasn't aware of, or willing to look at. So he continued to hold her gaze, the same way someone might hold a hand.

She started walking towards him.

“You see something you like?”

Her voice was both hopeful and disgusted.

”I like what I see.” Shawn said smiling, still looking her in the eyes.

”Well I got a place we can go to in a little bit. I've got something to take care of right now though. Can you wait a little while?”

Shawn took a moment to take the rest of her into consideration. Her choice of clothes looked like she was going to march in a protest on public indecency laws.

Shawn didn't miss the track marks on her arm either.

The fact that they were on her arm meant that there was still a good chance she was new to shooting.

She hadn't yet been forced to use different parts of her body due to her veins collapsing.

“I think I have what you’re looking for.” Shawn said returning his consideration once again to her eyes.

She visibly grew excited. Her eyes narrowing, showing Shawn the face of her addiction.

“Come with me.”

Shawn stood up, and started walking up the steps to the building on which he had been perched. Life never ceased to surprise Shawn these days. Especially right now.

* * *

Jessica followed the man into the building. It was typical for low income housing. Nothing aesthetically pleasing, all functionality. The water pipes ran naked on the ceiling, and the property manager hadn't bothered to have them painted the same color as the walls.

She followed him up what seemed like an endless flight of stairs. Each step was easier though as it brought her closer to fixing her bodies gnawing prophesy of sickness.

The man stopped on the fourth floor, took a right, then made his way down to apartment number 421. He opened the door without needing to unlock it first. Then stretched out his hand, as if to welcome her into something he was proud of.

She went through the portal and found herself in a very empty room. There was next to nothing in it. However the few things that did reside in his studio apartment were all very well taken care of. The bed sitting on the floor in the corner had fresh sheets. The comforter was folded up neatly at its foot. He had taken the liberty to paint his entire studio a warm yellowish-beige. She assumed without the managers knowing. The door shut behind her.

The man disappeared into his bathroom and came out a moment later. In his hand he held a small collection of clear capsules filled with a white powder.

“That’s either the purest heroin I have ever seen, or it’s something completely different!” Jessica said frantically.

She didn't have time for this shit. The sick feeling of withdrawal was starting to climb up from her stomach and reach for her throat.

“You said you had what I needed!”

“I saw you looking at my arms, what the FUCK is this!?”

Jessica couldn't contain the sick violence she felt, it came through in her voice.

The man looked down at his handful of capsules, then looked her dead in the eyes. “When I looked at you…”

He paused as if searching for words that wouldn't fall short.

“I saw someone who wanted to feel better.”He looked back down at his hand.

“This will help you do that.”

The man’s fearlessly honest assessment of her shook her at the core.

She sat on the floor like her legs had given out and leaned against the wall so she could stare at his ceiling.

”You don’t know anything about me.” She said with the certainty of loneliness.

He didn't make an effort to argue with her. Instead he sat down in front of her cross legged.

”I can’t make you do this. It’s something that you have to want for yourself.”

He paused, and she found herself looking down from the ceiling and into his eyes. He gave her the warmest smile she had ever seen, then said to her;

“I think you do.”

She grabbed one of the capsules from his hand and put it in her mouth.

“You don’t know anything about me.” She said, and swallowed it without water.

* * *

The Iboga had just fallen into Shawn’s lap the other day. His long time friend had given it to him, and instructed him on its use. Before then he had never heard of it.

Shawn suspected that his friend had given it to him, thinking that his drastic change in lifestyle was probably drug related. To Shawn, it was an undeniable expression of his friends love for him; Albeit slightly misplaced. So he gave the root extract a home in his medicine cabinet. Just so he could smile at it every morning when he shaved his face.

The girl was just coming on to the effects of the single capsule she had taken. Her eyes followed the imaginary tracers her hands made when she moved them. Shawn got up and went to the sink to grab a glass of water. It was looking like it was time to administer the flood dose as he had been instructed.

”What is this stuff?” the girl said while making circular motions with her fingers.

“From what I understand, it’s an easy fix.” Shawn said.

He crouched over where she sat and dropped another 6 capsules into her hand. After she took them with the water he continued.

“ Doesn't mean it isn't going to be hard though.”

Shawn stood up and unceremoniously shook open his comforter, then wrapped it gently around the girls shoulders.

* * *

She felt sick. She didn’t think her stomach would ever feel right again. She wretched, and couldn’t contain the the images of black vitriol slugs crawling out of her mouth. Her vision blurred at the edges and everything vibrated uncontrollably. More slugs. She wretched again, unable to move from the fetal position she had gone into… At some time.

”You’re… Alright. You’re in… A… Safe… Place.”

The voice sounded like it was coming through a megaphone down an infinitely long tunnel.

Wretch.

Something felt warm on her shoulder. At the moment it felt like the only right thing in the entire universe.

She opened her mouth to expel more slugs.

* * *

Shawn hadn’t slept throughout the entire night. The girls reaction to the capsules had been violent. And even though she had finally drifted off to sleep 12 hours in, he had been unable to stop watching her. He needed to make sure she was going to be alright. The moment she woke up and looked at him, Shawn suddenly realized, just how much his friend really cared for him.

All the tension in his body from the night before left him in a flood. He felt like he could sleep.

Instead, he got up to make her breakfast.

* * *

Jessica woke up and had no idea where she was. Which was not something in itself unusual these days. What was unusual, was the feeling that she was missing something that was most definitely supposed to be there.

She hoped to god it wasn’t one of her kidneys.

As her attention rested on her stomach though, she realized what was missing.

She wasn’t sick.

It was gone. The realization made her eyes open wide, maybe wider than they had ever been.

She noticed the man who had brought her here, watchfully sitting at her bedside. When there eyes met he visibly relaxed, and it looked like he had to hold back tears.

He got up without saying anything, and left her alone in his bed.

He started making noise in the kitchen. After a few minutes the smell of eggs and toast filled the tiny apartment.

It smelt good.

She sat up when he came around the kitchen partition with two plates in his hands. He handed one to her, then sat down at her side and began shoving his face with a piece of toast.

She shoveled a spoonful of eggs in her mouth, put the spoon down, looked up at the ceiling and chewed. Even after the mouthful was gone she continued to stare up at the ceiling for a while.

”Thank you… So much.” She said finally.

The man, cross legged and crouched over his plate, finished shoveling a mouthful of eggs in his mouth.

He straightened up, looked her in the eyes and started to chew.

He smiled at her while still chewing the last bit of it down. When he was finished swallowing he said.

“My name is Shawn.”

He produced a crumpled piece of paper and a pen from his pocket. Then wrote down a number and handed it to her. After which he said.”I’d like to take you out to coffee some time, and get to know you.”

Jessica looked at him in shock, the words just came out.

“Are you serious?”

Shawn ignored her sarcasm and answered sincerely.

“Yeah.”

* * *

Jessica left his house shortly after, suddenly finding herself uncomfortable in the cloths she was in. When she was at the street in front of Shawn’s building, she took a right to start her journey back to her own studio apartment.

Along the way she took out her phone to enter the number Shawn had given her. Instead she found herself dialing a number she hadn’t entered of her own volition for over a year.

It rang twice, then clicked as her father answered the phone.

”Jessica?”

Her throat got tight, and her eyes started to burn and fill with water.

“I haven’t been going to school.” She confessed.

There was a pause on the line.

”I know… I talked with some of your professors.” her father said.

The tears came down, hot on her face.

Her father continued. “When are you coming home?”

Jessica smiled, unable to hide the shaking in her voice.

“When I grow up.”

Her father laughed hard into the receiver.

”Jessica?”

“Yeah, dad?”

“I love you.”