Twins can be beautiful

And perfect, that’s what my parents prayed for anyway.

My mom and dad were waiting for our grand entrance.

I surprised my dad unpleasantly that day. “Come see our twins”. My mom tried to share her joy with dad, but he was a dark cloud on her sunny day.

Dad often mock mom on how she felt that day with his offbeat jokes and quotes, that he only found humor in, at my expense.



“Mom could not have been more proud than a peacock displaying a rainbow of colors on hot day mom only respond was remaining dad of how he rejected me.

Dads only reply at my arrival was, “I thought you said we were having boys this is a girl. She belongs to you. I got to go back to work, I’ll be back later”.



It’s funny how we don’t ask for much when we come here, and for no apparent reason we can be given a blanket of rejection as one of our first gifts, that surprisingly can wrap itself around you closer than your own skin, and the touch from all types of rejections can become so sensitive to every part of your life.



Fortunately, if you’re one of the lucky ones you could fall into accepting open arms that will follow you for a lifetime without knowing why.



It was 1967, and I guess my mother wanted to be surprised by our gender( my brother and I), but did not mention that to my dad.



I have been told this story by father one too many times, and his regrets it took me a long time to feel the same.



All I wanted was some of my dad’s his time, so I tried to become the son that he wanted me to be.



Unfortunately, there was only one problem I was his daughter.



After I became a teenager I wanted to feel pretty, and accepted by my dad. I knew that was not going to happen.

Sadly, I had to look elsewhere. So I just Tried to be a typical girl teenager; I liked boys, phones, and makeup,.



It was a constant need for acceptance that soon became my driving thirst with no water, and no satisfaction.

My dad would always place me back into my lonely world of strange and insecure feelings.



He would remind me of how I could never be Reall women. I was born last and my brother should have had a brother.

Obviously God gave everything to Stephen, Even what I was suppose to have. Maybe my Dad was right?

I was wrong about so much I don’t know. And As I grew older, I also grew so tired of my Dad’s undying, everlasting love for My “perfect” brother.



I remember one day my dad asked me something that brought a change in my life forever. “Sophia doesn’t forget to put some brake fluid in the truck.”



I answered “ok dad.” I was really good with working on cars. My dad taught me very well, and I always wanted to please him with everything I did for him.



As I was walking to the garage, this rage that I always hide so well started talking to me about my short seventeen years. How it seemed like a life sentence of being a shadow and invisible to everyone.



I wanted to stop the pain by making it go away forever. No! I told myself I can’t hurt the people I love , knowing that’s exactly what I wanted to do.

I’ve hurt things before and made the pain go away I can’t stop what has to be done. I thought to myself, I’m such a coward. I will miss them.”



Sophia hurries up” It took me a minute to respond “ok dad… I’m almost done I place the brake fluid Cap back on after I drained almost all the brake fluid out of the car.



Then I remove the Power lock fuse I found myself loosing the brake fluid hose the fluid will drain out.



Dad loved to drive fast. “Don’t forget to lock the car doors” I spoke my last words almost breathless, to my dad. I could feel his pride for his son just by standing next to him.







“Come on Stephen lets go.” He said abruptly, breaking my train of thought. My dad has never been a patient man. I had a gift for Stephen.



“Wait Stephen here’s my friendship bracelet wear this for good luck at the game tonight.” He answered, “Sophia, you’re a weirdo Give it here.”



I watched him put It on I knew that I would never see him again. I wondered if he knew the same. Well, we were twins after all. After a couple of hours had passed, the silence in the house seemed to belong there my mom was reading I was watching TV.



I heard a knock at the door. I could see the lights from the police car flashing through the dining room window. When the police spoke those words “I’m sorry there’s been an accident.”



Mom screamed so loud, and then she fell to the floor. I ran to her and hugged her. I told her I would take care of her. She did not say a word; she went to the hospital that night.

She was so broken, I had to see her. So I went to the hospital. I tried to get close to her, but she was such a distance away from me.



Then I sat next to her on the bed. I tried to hold her hand, but she pulled away and told me she wished she had gone with them. By the way she was looking at me; I believed her and said nothing. She cried herself to sleep that night.



I didn’t sleep at all I put away my mom’s clothes and brushed her hair and place some flowers next to her bed, and left.

My aunt Marie told me I had to arrange the funeral, so I did. I was so important that day. Everyone told me how strong and mature I had become, in my reality I felt lost and scared.



But I knew how to show a person what they need to see on the day of the funeral. i looked at Stephen in the casket , I missed him, I missed my twin. I cried for him until I felt my heart ache, my body was so full of pain.



“Was I dying because of what I’ve done?” I thought to myself. So I shook him and touch him he was cold and empty. This wasn’t a dream. It was so real and I was still here. He was…dead.



I missed Stephen so much. I tried to catch my breath but I couldn’t, so I ran outside. “Don’t be scared.” A soft spoken voice that I knew I’ve heard before whispered to me.



“It’s ok Sophia.” I turn around and there I was in the cemetery. No one was there, but me. So I thought. “Sophia” he called again “What do you want?!” I yelled.



“You know who I am.” The voice said. I looked up and around .My tears made it nearly impossible to see. I lay down next to Stephen gravesite.



His beautiful voice begins to sooth my ears, comforting me. “You know you had to do it Sophia, I love you. We will always be together, I will never leave you, promise.”



“Were or you! Don’t hide from me please!” I pleaded. The voice changed. It was loud and angry “You killed daddy Sophia and now I’m dead because of you it’s all your fault like always!



I know all about you, your area bad, bad girl and I will tell everyone if you ever try to leave me here Sophia.” The voice taunted me. “Now get up I’m ready to go.



“Leave me alone! Go away Stephen” I begged! “Look around you are all alone! All you have is me”. The last sentence he spoke stayed in my head as I walked home alone, feeling closer to my twin then I ever felt before. I could feel Stephen disapproval of me in the air that I was breathing; I had to please him no matter what. I had to make sure he kept or secret.



My aunt Marie greeted me at the door of or home of sadness “Sophia I think It would be best for you and your mother, if your mother stays with me for a little while your seventeen you will be Eighteen pretty soon.”



She said to me “Stay here until we sell the house you will be fine.” Sophia pleading to “Aunt Marie please I don’t want to be alone, I will be really good! I’ll help mom and you.” I begged her. Aunt Marie never understood me, and told my mother that I would be a problem. She was more than happy to take my mother away from me. “Sorry



Sophia, I don’t have enough room for you; I will bring your mother to visit you. Your Cousin Lisa will be coming home from college soon she will come to stay with you for a little while.”

My Mother and my aunt left the next night my mother did not say a word to me not even a goodbye, maybe she knew what I’ve done.



“Sophia” it was the voice I knew oh to well. “What do you want Stephen?” “Maybe she’s smarter then what we thought she was.” He snickered.



The laughter from Stephen voice made me sick to my stomach. A t times he loves taunting me. Just as I begin feeling sorry for myself, there was an interruption.



“Hello is anyone home” the voice said sarcastically, I question this handsome stranger “Why are you at my window... Do I know you?” “No, not really my name is Bryant we went to school together last year, my mother made dinner and told me to bring this to you.



I hope you like it, she always watches the cooking channel and now or dogs diet has improved.” He said trying to carry on a conversation. I could tell Bryant was uncomfortable as he tried to think of something to say for a moment.



I wanted to laugh but I made sure my wall of ice was as cold as it needed to be, after all I was the weird twin in high school I knew he had to remember that label , ok, Bryant for some reason could not stop smiling.



“ I guess I’ll see you when I can tell better jokes about my mother’s cooking.” He laughed. “Thank you for the food.” I said politely “Wow’ so you do talk” he raised an eye brow “Bye” was my only word for him. I watched him walked away as I closed the window blinds he turn around to see if I was still there, I made sure I wasn’t .



After staying in the house for couple of months with no visit from anyone, my only company being my memories. Stephen had decided that I needed to become more like him, so I listen and obeyed.

I went to medical school Stephen always wanted to be a doctor, so we took all the money from the house we sold and moved to New York. Stephen was much stronger then I was and his temper was really bad.

I could not control him at times. I told him that nothing was going to separate us. I made that promise before I came back home and Bryant wanted me.



“Please Stephen let me go” I would cry and pray every night and sometimes he became so quite I Hoped and imagine that he was gone.



I Knew he wasn’t and he would always pay me a visit in my dreams and nightmares, to remind me of the place in hell that he was saving for me .



I thought I had to be there with him, and that was my only Destiny and freedom until Bryant loved me and became my friend.



His love has made me transparent to the ones I want to love because they want me I found myself lost in my thoughts when A gentle touch on my shoulder turned me around quickly.



“Close your eyes Sophia.” “Why Bryant” “Just do it.”



“You know I don’t like surprises” I frowned “Ok Bryant, my eyes are closed” I heard shuffling and I slowly opened my eyes.



“What is that? A bunny oh my god! It’s beautiful Brayant”. “I feel so lucky to have you Sophia, instead having a lucky rabbits foot, I got the whole rabbit and I want you for my whole life” he looked me in my eyes.



“Will you marry me, please Sophia I love you!” Tears start to roll down from my eyes. I never thought I could feel this way. I tried to become rational and think, but all I found myself saying was yes.



All I knew was I never wanted, how he made me feel to leave. “Stop lying to yourself Sophia, he will never love you.



Your bad Sophia, you’re so bad. And I can only love you! ” In my lightest hour, only darkness comes to visit me, my Demon, Stephen



I do on my wedding day. I now have my beautiful life. This man sees me for the first time every time. He looks at me his wants or driven by his desire to take care of me.



I’m so perfect to him I look at myself, and I see her the women that he sees , don’t be stupid Sophia you’re a liar Stephen words echoed through my ears like electricity and static with soft lips and twisted words that comforts with understanding you lied to your precious Bryant you have became whatever he wants you to be, your so weak get out ! Stephen, leave me alone.”



Stephen voice begin to fade away it was so peaceful I did not want to wonder why so I begin to rush but I found myself wondering if Bryant knew that the unconditional love he feels for me at this moment, could never compare to my need to fix the wrong that I have done



“Everybody is waiting in the church Sophia” Stephen laughs at me, “ Let’s go” “Ok ”I was worn out from or battle that I would always seem to lose As I turn around there was a shadow over my reflection, hiding itself in the mirror. It was Stephen.



I had no words, he always did all the talking “Sophia I know you did not think I would miss your beautiful day. Not even death could keep me away.”



“Please don’t Stephen. “ “Twins forever Right Sophia Come walk with me,” as I looked at Stephen walk to the ledge of the window, I felt his need to love me he was my strength I felt like his sister again I became lost in his words he softly whispered.



To me the air will catch our wings and we’ll fly away Together forever Sophia.” I open m eyes and faced my fears this was not Stephen this was not my brother “No Stephen! No!” I pleaded.



“Then bring him to me, bring me Bryant. Then it well be all over, I swear Sophia.” His voice was so demanding, I could never say no to Stephen“Let me have him, Sophia. He doesn’t love you.



He will hurt you!” He insisted. “You’re lying, that’s not true!” I yelled at Stephen and ran into to the closet my favorite hiding place.



“Sophia.” he snarled at me “may be ill go talk to Bryant and become his friend and “tell him are story and then we will all be together forever and ever I love you Sophia