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Niki L. DeShazo writing contest
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Niki L. DeShazo

Niki DeShazo has been writing since she could “hold a pencil”. She drew her inspiration from reading, and wanted to write books for people to enjoy them as much as she did the books she read. Niki is currently publishing a novel called Goodbye Gravity.

Story: Out of the Garden


Lisa Rose

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Sorry, but your story is really hard to follow. You need to show us the story through dialogue, instead of telling it to us. There are several sentences that are confusing. You wrote: 'My sister's body was whereabouts unknown.' This seems to tell us that Suzy is already dead, but it would work better like this. 'My sister's whereabouts were unknown.' Also in the bathroom scene you have Missy say, "And I didn't kill my brother." This is the first that we have heard about a dead brother and it seems like you mixed up Suzy and Todd for a moment. It would have helped if you had the parents say something about Todd when Suzy disappeared. Finally it is a good story, it just needs some more work. Don't give up! Keep writing. If you have the time please read my story 'Drift Away' and leave a review to let me know if you liked it.

Luke Swanson

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This piece creates good suspense and the ending is interesting,but its a bit disjointed overall. I noticed that you have a lot of adverbs-- "disturbingly, irrationally"-- and that's a tell-tale sign of telling not showing. Create a picture in the reader's mind, don't just state what's happening. But it's still a good read. I enjoyed it!

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Not a great read
December 18th, 2012
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December 7th, 2012
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